The Maldives is a trap. It’s a beautiful, expensive, turquoise trap designed to make you feel like a billionaire while simultaneously draining your bank account $45 at a time for a mediocre club sandwich. Most of the ‘best luxury resorts in maldives’ lists you read are written by people who got a free stay or are just churning out SEO garbage. I’ve actually been. I’ve paid the bill. I’ve sat in the humidity and wondered if a private pool is worth the price of a used Honda Civic.
It’s blue. Really blue. Like, your-brain-can’t-process-this-color blue. But if you pick the wrong island, you’re basically a prisoner in a very pretty cage with nothing to do but look at your partner and realize you have nothing left to talk about. I’m going to tell you which spots are actually worth the flight and which ones you should avoid, even if the Instagram photos look like heaven.
The seaplane situation (and why I almost cried)
Before we talk about the villas, we have to talk about the seaplanes. This is the part the brochures gloss over. In November 2019, I was headed to a resort in the Noonu Atoll. I had just spent 14 hours on a plane, only to be dumped in a ‘lounge’ at Male airport that smelled faintly of jet fuel and old carpet. I waited four hours for a seaplane. Four hours. No one tells you the schedules are basically ‘whenever we feel like it.’
When the plane finally arrived, it was a tiny, vibrating metal tube that felt like being trapped inside a blender full of gravel. It was 104 degrees inside. I was sweating through a linen shirt I bought specifically for the ‘vibe,’ and I genuinely considered asking them to just land in the ocean and leave me there. If you’re going to spend $2,000 a night, you need to know that the first and last six hours of your trip will be a sweaty, logistical nightmare. Just accept it.
The part where I tell you Soneva Jani is actually worth it
I know, I know. It’s the one with the slides. Every influencer has a video of them sliding into the water. It’s cliché. But honestly? Soneva Jani is the only place that actually feels like a different planet. Most luxury resorts are just nice hotels on sand. Soneva is something else entirely.
The villas are so big you could genuinely lose a small child in them for several hours.
What I mean is—actually, let me put it differently. It’s not about the size, it’s about the fact that they don’t use any plastic and the roof slides back so you can see the stars from your bed. I tested the ‘star-gazing’ roof three nights in a row. It works, unless it rains, in which case the motor sounds like a dying tractor and you scramble to close it before your $1,000-a-night mattress gets soaked. I might be wrong about this, but I think the ‘No News, No Shoes’ policy is a bit of a gimmick, but after two days of walking around barefoot, you start to feel like a civilized human being again. It’s pretentious, sure. But it works.
The ‘No Shoes’ thing is a lie
Speaking of shoes, let’s talk about the ‘rustic’ luxury trend. I used to think Gili Lankanfushi was the peak of Maldives travel. I was completely wrong. I stayed there and realized that ‘rustic’ is often just code for ‘we haven’t updated the plumbing since 2012.’ I don’t want to pay five figures to have a bathroom that feels like a very expensive treehouse where the shower pressure is a suggestion rather than a reality.
I know people will disagree, but I think the ‘overwater villa’ is overrated. Give me a beach villa any day. In an overwater villa, you have the constant sound of waves hitting the stilts, which sounds romantic until it’s 3:00 AM and it feels like someone is banging a drum under your pillow. Plus, the walk back to the main island across those wooden jetties when you’ve had three $28 margaritas is a death wish. I almost fell in twice. Not a good look.
Two resorts you should actually consider
- Joali: This is for the people who think Soneva is too ‘hippy.’ It’s high-end art, marble, and incredible food. I spent $14 for a bottle of Evian here. It hurt my soul, but the beach was perfect.
- Patina: This is a newer one. It feels like a cool hotel in East Berlin got dropped into the Indian Ocean. It’s minimalist. No thatched roofs. Just grey concrete and clean lines.
I refuse to recommend the Ritz-Carlton Fari Islands even though everyone loves it. Why? Because it looks like a corporate office park. They built these circular villas that look like giant white donuts. It ruins the horizon. It’s an architectural ego trip that has nothing to do with the Maldives. It feels like staying in a very expensive Apple Store. Total lie. Avoid it if you want an actual island feel.
A brief tangent on the food
You will eat a lot of tuna. Like, a lot. By day four, you will be 30% yellowfin. Anyway, the point is that you should always get the half-board package. If you try to pay a la carte, you will end up spending $600 a day on food without even trying. I once saw a guy pay $110 for a pizza because he didn’t check the ‘service charge’ and ‘GST’ taxes which add about 23% to everything. It’s a scam, but it’s a beautiful one.
I’m not a journalist, so I don’t have a spreadsheet of data for you. But I did track my spending on a 5-day trip to a ‘mid-range’ luxury spot (Baros) and realized I paid $1,100 just in taxes and service fees. That’s not the food. That’s the permission to eat the food. Keep that in mind when you’re looking at the ‘nightly rate.’
Is it worth it? I don’t know. Sometimes I look at the photos of that water and I think I’d pay double just to be back there. Other times I think about the $42 club sandwich and I want to scream. If you have the money, go to Joali. If you want the ‘experience,’ go to Soneva Jani. If you want to feel like a normal person, go to Greece.
I still haven’t figured out if I actually liked the Maldives or if I just liked the version of myself I pretended to be while I was there. Does that make sense? Probably not.
Go to Joali. Buy the expensive water. Don’t fall off the jetty.
